story behind "LIFE CAN BE ROUGH"

October 26, 2018

when a brick wall gets thrown in your face
and you are left staggering, crying out for aid,
you’re not the only one. 

we think pain seeks us out separately, 
breaking you down, breaking your soul. 
but truly, you’re not the only one unable to move.

you are not the only one who feels like you’re bleeding to death 
with only a band aid in your hand.
fragile friend, wrap your brokenness in a blanket 
and tell yourself it’ll all be a-okay for,
the shattered pieces are strongest together.

------------------------

once again, another piece I wrote for myself because I seriously ran head first into a brick wall that I did not see at all.  I was blinded by a deep pain that I had been shoving off for a long, long time.  Truthfully, my heart was bleeding to death and it didn't even feel like I had a band aid in my hand.  okay, I'll go back a little and explain. 

The past year has brought a lot of new and wonderful things.  But also, a lot of new and stressful things.  I'm learning lots, which I'm grateful for.. but in the same time, I've taken on a lot. It's all for a goal but these past few months started to choke me. and, well, I was staggering about and hadn't quite called out for aid yet.  My mom noticed the emptiness in my eyes and offered a listening ear, which I'll never be more grateful for. [mom. you're the best]

and then, I cried out to God and asked Him to help me to smile again.  is this silly?  it can't be.  in my poem I repeated over and over that "you are not alone. you are not alone." 

Happiness is a choice.  I thought for some time that I was just born with it, and while that may be the case, it's also something you can lose.  I did lose it for sometime.  It would show up every once in while, but then I'd feel that strange falseness and I wondered what had changed. 

I had. 
My situations had. 
Where I was on a daily basis had. 
My life had changed.  

So my focus had to as well.  I had to remind myself to smile and tell myself that it was a wonderful day. a lot of prayer time and Bible time. when people asked me "how is your day?" I would say "awesome!" and then I'd get a tilt of the head and "why...  why is is awesome?" Sometimes I had a reply and others I would just grin and shrug,  because the answer would have been "because I decided it was.."

I am feeling so much better. [how are you?]

p.s tomorrow is my blogs 5th birthday. wow huh? 

I BUILT MYSELF A DESK

October 17, 2018



for a super long time I have wanted to update my desk in my bedroom.  it's a very small space but I love it soooooooooo much.  It's changed so much over the past years lol (lets just say when it was my sister's when she was 8, it was hot pink..) and since it is small, I'm constantly on the search for space saving ideas.

AND HERE COMES THE DESK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

can you say I'm excited? I sure think so.  I went shopping with friends and we stopped in an antique shop and this girl is like "so the farm house stuff is this way, candles over there, this is the dog and there is barn wood in the basement."
yeah. I basically ran to that basement and returned with 4 boards that were promptly shoved into Wilson. which then the next day were sanded and screwed together and glossed. and then the next day hung up on my wall.

I. am. in. love.  

Next time I do a DIY project like this I promise to film myself because I really always forget to do that lol but my room feels so much bigger and SEE THE MIRROR ON MY WALL? Yup found that at goodwill for $9. also in love <3

Let's just say homework is partly enjoyable now (only partly >.< I'm not that ill)

any questions? would you build yourself a desk? 

(p.s. went to the dentist today and the hygienist that I've known since I was 5 years old thought my brother was a special guy friend because he opened the door for me and is so tall. that is a first lolol I do not think it's the last tho xD)

and we are all screaming SOS

October 7, 2018

if I were to say I am good at one thing, it would be taking on too much.  I am perfectly capable to achieve more and more, and I'm willing to stretch myself to constantly do, but I've stretched myself too thin.  You may of noticed that I didn't post on Wednesday.  I truly couldn't.  My plate is piled high and wide and is toppling over.  Between my works, college classes (and having to re-write my ENTIRE paper super last minute), and trying to soak in every last minute of summer, I had to say no to writing a post and it hurt.

this blog is a safe spot for me. I am comfortable sharing what is hurting me, what I'm learning, a message that I felt I could be open about...and losing that would deeply injure me. You see, I had a mini breakdown on Thursday because I just couldn't anymore.  My super duper close friend told me to write about this because I'm not the only one who feels this way she said.  I truthfully didn't think that way, but in a sense, it felt like that.

college is hard. life is hard. paying $3.10 per gallon of gas is hard. looking for another part time job is hard. getting rough peer reviewing responses on your paper is hard. looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering who you are becoming is the hardest of all. 

My mom had a really good conversation with me because lolol she knows me best. She could tell that I have been shutting down. Getting my HAVE TO list done and internally dying because my creativity levels are zero and the smiles are becoming harder to give. A speaker in my class said "wow you guys are all just giving me a bunch of blank stares!" and we honestly didn't respond any differently to that. WE ARE ALL JUST SO TIRED.

the pressure to succeed is intense.  the pressure to be the only you in intense.  the pressure to follow your passion or not because that's just emotion that will change. LIKE IDK ANYMORE.

so if you're walking around feeling rather lost and broken, that isn't insanity or something. you just need to thrust yourself into company with people who honestly care about you and are willing to help you refocus...less on yourself and more on God.

Busy isn't bad, but losing yourself in that busyness is. 

btw, I stayed up until 2 am talking to my mom on Thursday night. Then, I took Friday off of work and went to a corn maze with friends. I bought wood and am building my own desk. I feel a lot more like me. and now, I'm off to start building my gratitude wall. more on those two things later xxx

p.s. do you relate?