and we are all screaming SOS

October 7, 2018

if I were to say I am good at one thing, it would be taking on too much.  I am perfectly capable to achieve more and more, and I'm willing to stretch myself to constantly do, but I've stretched myself too thin.  You may of noticed that I didn't post on Wednesday.  I truly couldn't.  My plate is piled high and wide and is toppling over.  Between my works, college classes (and having to re-write my ENTIRE paper super last minute), and trying to soak in every last minute of summer, I had to say no to writing a post and it hurt.

this blog is a safe spot for me. I am comfortable sharing what is hurting me, what I'm learning, a message that I felt I could be open about...and losing that would deeply injure me. You see, I had a mini breakdown on Thursday because I just couldn't anymore.  My super duper close friend told me to write about this because I'm not the only one who feels this way she said.  I truthfully didn't think that way, but in a sense, it felt like that.

college is hard. life is hard. paying $3.10 per gallon of gas is hard. looking for another part time job is hard. getting rough peer reviewing responses on your paper is hard. looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering who you are becoming is the hardest of all. 

My mom had a really good conversation with me because lolol she knows me best. She could tell that I have been shutting down. Getting my HAVE TO list done and internally dying because my creativity levels are zero and the smiles are becoming harder to give. A speaker in my class said "wow you guys are all just giving me a bunch of blank stares!" and we honestly didn't respond any differently to that. WE ARE ALL JUST SO TIRED.

the pressure to succeed is intense.  the pressure to be the only you in intense.  the pressure to follow your passion or not because that's just emotion that will change. LIKE IDK ANYMORE.

so if you're walking around feeling rather lost and broken, that isn't insanity or something. you just need to thrust yourself into company with people who honestly care about you and are willing to help you refocus...less on yourself and more on God.

Busy isn't bad, but losing yourself in that busyness is. 

btw, I stayed up until 2 am talking to my mom on Thursday night. Then, I took Friday off of work and went to a corn maze with friends. I bought wood and am building my own desk. I feel a lot more like me. and now, I'm off to start building my gratitude wall. more on those two things later xxx

p.s. do you relate?

WHAT IS YOUR/MY PASSION??

September 26, 2018


Last week, I took a career test with a friend for fun. Then I went into class and we all had to take the same test again (which made me laugh soooo hard) to see what whether our plans lined up with our skills, etc. It was extremely interesting for me to personally take the test but then I was able to see everyone else's test responses to the exact same questions and I was like "WOAH. WE ALL HAVE SUCH VERITY." 

because in a classroom of 26 people, obviously we are all different, but I guess I didn't realize that multiple choice answers could bring so many individual answers.  I got hysterical job choices like "window washer", "butcher", and "martial arts instructor". lololol but then like LIBRARIAN was on there and I did a little cheer in the classroom XD


the guy next to me got jobs all including animals, which he is actually going to school for, but I did not get that at all. (sorry people, animals aren't my cup of tea >.<) And then, we were asked to write a paper on something we are passionate about and have dealt with in our lives personally. sooo I decided to have fun with this and ask people : WHAT WOULD YOU SAY MY PASSION IS? 

and then, I would love to do a post on the responses/what I feel my passion is.

+ I want to turn the tables at the end of that post and we will talk about your passions. I think its super fascinating to dig deeper into who we are, as well as encouraging each other to become more aware about what matters to you. xxx

LEARNING HOW TO EMBRACE THE PAIN IN CHANGE

September 19, 2018

I've been a bit nostalgic lately. I often get this way once the seasons start to shift...so I start to think back to this time last year and remember what I was thinking and feeling before I was here now. Sometimes that can be painful, but as I've been learning, it is good too. This time last year, I hadn't become as strong of a person I am now, hadn't lost as much to realize the worth in it all, but most importantly, I wasn't the Julia I am at this second. Seasons shift and people do, but learning how to let go of what you've called normal for soooo long, is not easy.

I've been the person who said again and again "I AM NOT GROWING UP.  I REFUSE TO CHANGE. NO NO NO NO NO" and while I thought saying those things might help, I realized my anthem was wrong. In a way, I was shouting for no responsibility, which I've found is not me. In a way, I crave responsibility. I like proving that I can work hard and meet goals.

I've finally sifted it out and have found what I was screaming that whole while was, I was scared to lose my childishness, that in some sorted way, I was going to be asked to give up being me. That hasn't happened and I can proudly say that through all the "adulting" I do, I still have time to play and stay creative.

change will always be scary (still is for me). wrap yourself around people who will be willing to say YOU'VE GOT THIS and then promise to do the same thing in return for them. never ever say "i can't" because that's when you'll stop growing, when change will break you, and when you can no longer say "looking back..that change was good." because you didn't embrace it.

kid. YOU'VE GOT THIS.

p.s read this poem i wrote last year on these exact feelings *points down*

--------------------------

listen close, my wonderful friend
there is a secret which i must spill
it is a secret which i am still learning to realize but here it is nonetheless

the change has become normal

change which we dread
and fight
and detest
has. become. normal.

it isn't something you notice right way
but one day it hits you as you're driving along saying how beautiful it is
that's when you remember how hard you fought this beautiful bc you didn't know it would be beautiful
at least that's how it was for me


slow down. breathe. it's a new normal. and it'll be okay.

xxxxxxxx