March 21, 2018

I've been "okay" a lot in my life. I'm sure you have to. Lets face it, we've hit that auto response button when you hear "how are you doing?" 
"I'm good." "I'm okay" "I'm tired" "lol don't ask. hbu" are a few options. last summer I decided to get rid of the instant "I'm good!!" when in reality I was exhausted. my grandpa now thinks I'm always tired lol which basically yus? but that's beside the point.

a friend sent me a text today after I told her that we were gonna be ok. she replied
i guess for me i'm just worried what "ok" is

and I was like OH PRECIOUS FRIEND bc uhm that is straight honesty right from an aching heart. it's true and raw and real.  And, I can relate. I have written poetry on how being okay is perfectly good and how being not okay is too.

it's okay to be not okay
a line i hear so often
and it's true
but what about the people
who are okay
the people who have given their depression to God
and have come to a transition place
where it is okay
to be okay
it's just as poetic
just as beautiful 
as it is to be not okay

I just wonder does "okay" mean you've settled or that you've finally reached the resting place of "I can accept this change". in my daily life, I have honestly decided that I have to brace myself to waves and just take a deep breath, go under and come back up. I've decided that I'm not the only one with problems and that HEY ITS TOTALLY NORMAL TO BE "OKAY" AND HEY ITS TOTALLY OKAY TO CRY AND HEY LIFE IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT/EXPECT IT TO BE BUT
hey. being okay means that God is shaping you more and more. it means that you're growing to be stronger and that hey, God is love, remember that.

Never ever take for granted breathing and life and the blood raging through your veins. go outside for a moment on this Wednesday in March and spread those arms high. I dare you to cry out to God, opening your heart to His and connecting.

I tell you, that being okay is okay, but I want you to know that state of being is not where you have to stay. 

so friend, maybe you don't feel like you've got this pain rn but our radical God does.
CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?!?! xxxx

how are you doing my friend? (p.s are you doing nano?)
ITS SPRING NOW like EEP. any new life sprouting near you? 


March 14, 2018

I think its time I did a little update on whats keeping my days occupied lately.

  • lots and lots reading (prob too much? idk...I'm already at 6 books this month *cough*)
  • sleepless nights aka why i'm reading a lot
  • I tried to survive without spotify premium for like.....3 days. I DIDNT COPE TO WELL LOL and then caved 
  • started babysitting twice a week. he's the sweetest little kid who loves books as much as I do XD it's been good xx
  • the snow dumped again and then melted lol!! 
  • MY OLDER SIS + I WENT ON A 4 MILE WALK YESTERDAY. it was like 8,300 steps in 1 hour. 
  • fell asleep on the couch watching aristocats 
  • lots and lots of group chat texting / cracking up in laughter 
  • also lot of walking and started another abs workout. aka trying to balance a little haha
  • rewatching the great british bake off and BBCs Emma.....theme there? yes? [ oh also somebody feed phil and the kindness diaries if you're looking for some netflix binge watches ]
  • i am gonna do camp april nano which is C R A Z Y  but like i desperately wanna write again. small goals are better than no goals. i'm going with it xD 
  • family dance parties with pancakes + sausage on saturday morning xxxxx also card games and laughing fits x148714875981475
  • planning my travels for this year / budgeting for that. anyone know where I can find a billion dollars so I can go to Switzerland tho? bc lets get real I WANNA GO THEEERRRE
  • journaling like mad. never too many entries right 
  • SOMEONE WENT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY BACK IN MY BLOG AND LOL I am totally hyperventilating rn yes
  • trying to learn how to play the piano...again. BEING YOUR OWN TEACHER IS HARD LOL
  • also *fingers crossed* avoiding the cold going around
  • lots of heart to heart phone convos + texts with besties. watching people spiritually mature. so much <3
  • also 10000000000% waiting for warmth XD XD XD 

well, tbh, IM EXHAUSTED RN. tell me what's going on your life - the random stuff, what's making you laugh, what are you craving, what book made you angry or cry?! I GET THOSE FEELS I DO. btw, went to walmart tonight and uhm lol lots of weird things. DID YOU SEE THE VANILLA MINT (and green) MILK?!?!?! idk about that combination lol 

oh. and I still need to change my car clock. HOW DID I EVEN DO THAT
any new book / movie recommendations?
whats new with you? 


March 7, 2018

it feels like a long time since I've sat down to write a blogpost. I know, I know, it was only last week. but I now see that I am missing writing from my heart rather than a bedroom tour or monthly post. STILL LOVE THOSE but it's different.

first off, HELLO MARCH.

SECONDLY, I'm ready to cut to the point. I've been dealing with some February/March blues. where I live, winter seems unending. absolutely so. you basically wait and wait and wait for a glimpse of warmth. and well, last week we had a stunning break of 20 degrees above average. (like 60 degrees what) It awakened every ounce of excitement in me. today, its snowing. suddenly waking up is harder. suddenly 5pm feels like midnight. suddenly i'm not talkative or well, I'm not who i normally am (which 10000000% isn't normal lol)

I'm fully knowing that this is something I'm dealing with for. rn. not forever. i'm a human though and for some humanly reason a moment happened in my thoughts of


*smacks thyself in face 500x* It gets exhausting to fall down again you know.....bc HELLO YES I KNOW THAT GOD IS ALWAYS BESIDE ME. I KNOW HE DOESN'T LEAVE. I KNOW. but I want to grow (lol k so suddenly i just remembered about my EXPAND + GROW SERIES lolololololol) and not slip back into the needy relationship but more of the faithful relationship.

but also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. FOR IF THESE THINGS ARE YOURS AND ABOUND YOU WILL BE NEITHER BARREN NOR UNFRUITFUL IN THE KNOWLEDGE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST. 

and this is where I scream AMEN. and also jsyk i decided to just open my bible for some comfort and 2 Peter 1 : 5-11 jumped at me. thanks God xxxxx

for he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. therefore brethren be even more diligent to make your call and election SURE, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and SAVIOR Jesus Christ

 so in answer to my own question : God is always ALWAYS by my side. but well, I still gotta do my part. *nods* yup, that's where I'm at right now.... hbu?

are you struggling too? BUT WE AREN'T GIVING UP YES???!!
whatcha doing this march?