LEARNING HOW TO EMBRACE THE PAIN IN CHANGE

September 19, 2018

I've been a bit nostalgic lately. I often get this way once the seasons start to shift...so I start to think back to this time last year and remember what I was thinking and feeling before I was here now. Sometimes that can be painful, but as I've been learning, it is good too. This time last year, I hadn't become as strong of a person I am now, hadn't lost as much to realize the worth in it all, but most importantly, I wasn't the Julia I am at this second. Seasons shift and people do, but learning how to let go of what you've called normal for soooo long, is not easy.

I've been the person who said again and again "I AM NOT GROWING UP.  I REFUSE TO CHANGE. NO NO NO NO NO" and while I thought saying those things might help, I realized my anthem was wrong. In a way, I was shouting for no responsibility, which I've found is not me. In a way, I crave responsibility. I like proving that I can work hard and meet goals.

I've finally sifted it out and have found what I was screaming that whole while was, I was scared to lose my childishness, that in some sorted way, I was going to be asked to give up being me. That hasn't happened and I can proudly say that through all the "adulting" I do, I still have time to play and stay creative.

change will always be scary (still is for me). wrap yourself around people who will be willing to say YOU'VE GOT THIS and then promise to do the same thing in return for them. never ever say "i can't" because that's when you'll stop growing, when change will break you, and when you can no longer say "looking back..that change was good." because you didn't embrace it.

kid. YOU'VE GOT THIS.

p.s read this poem i wrote last year on these exact feelings *points down*

--------------------------

listen close, my wonderful friend
there is a secret which i must spill
it is a secret which i am still learning to realize but here it is nonetheless

the change has become normal

change which we dread
and fight
and detest
has. become. normal.

it isn't something you notice right way
but one day it hits you as you're driving along saying how beautiful it is
that's when you remember how hard you fought this beautiful bc you didn't know it would be beautiful
at least that's how it was for me


slow down. breathe. it's a new normal. and it'll be okay.

xxxxxxxx

DOES DEFINING OURSELVES WITH STRONG WORDS MAKE US STRONG?

September 12, 2018

I love words like brave, strong, undefeated, victorious, and tough. it's helpful to define yourself with a big, fearless word...you feel a bit more in control but much more capable.

as a poet, it is my job to use words in a way that explains the emotions I'm feeling, but in a way that you relate to. I want to empower you and so I've found myself using uplifting words. This habit is a good one, but lol yesterday while shelving books I noticed a common theme of some titles in the teen non fiction section.

They were declaring that you didn't have to follow the worlds rules, that you're to use your recklessness, and how to defeat fear.  I understood then that we are trying to combat the major pressure and depression the youth of now are dealing with. I'm not apposed to that but I wonder if just the words make a difference or do you actually have to do something? 

As of the 13th, I'll of been working at the library (MY DREAM JOB!!!!!) for one year. YES ONE YEAR. Its been the most fantastic year...truly.  About a month ago, I started to intern there for a higher position. It involves more patron interaction/responsibility. Today, the 12th, is my first complete shift in that position.

In so many ways, I've been completely scared and completely confident. Scared that I'll forget everything I've learned and confident that I won't forget everything lolol but you get me. It's not easy to start anything new. My coworkers have been amazing -- encouraging me and telling me that I can do it. so I'm believing in that. Today I actually have to do what I've been dreaming of doing for so so so so long.

so I believe that words are important, but you have to do the scary thing behind that encouragement for it to count. 

Yup, you're pretty amazing k (now go do something with that *hugs*)

ANY PLANS? XD XD
WHATS NEW IN YOUR LIFE

HEY, KID, YOU'RE NOT WORTHLESS

September 5, 2018

i was born worthless, but because of the spotless Lamb, i am no longer so. 

the words on that blue sticky note say " HEY. STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN. EVERYONE ELSE WILL DO THAT FOR YOU, BUT ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHO YOU'LL BE TODAY. SO? WHAT WILL IT BE? <3 <3"

It's really important that I tell you these words because I've learned in the past year that people don't hear them often and nor to they believe them. You listen to the lies for two reasons:

1) they are the sounds that echo in the canyon of your heart.
2) they are repeated more often than the kindness we should be speaking.

These reasons are not necessarily your fault, but my friend, you must be strong. It's so easy to conform to the message you are hearing but I beg you to not. Your worth is not fixed on the values that other humans speak but instead on who God designed you to be.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (romans 5:8) 

Our self-esteem is completely out of whack and off sync from where it is supposed to be.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2nd timothy 1:7)

 We have been given gifts in who we are. Yes, we are sinful creatures who need a Savior, but there are still little tokens of gold that God created us with. And, I believe we are to use those. I feel that people often look at me and my life, thinking that I am a confident gal who knows what she has set out to do and will achieve that.

Guys, I sobbed 3 times in one single week because my silly plans weren't lining up anymore and I just didn't know what to do. I was so tired and giving my all to work, friends, family, food lolol, etc. I promise I'm going to write a blogpost all about that week because God did some amaazing things and still is.

I just want you to understand that who you think you are actually doesn't matter. Who you are in Christ does. Because truthfully, He is the one who we are to place our trust in - He gave up everything for me...who am I to do less? 

The next time you look in the mirror and think "BLAH." remember that God doesn't know the meaning of that in you because, if you're a Christian, He only sees Christ...and well, that's a pretty big thing. xxxxx

p.s. I'm going to desperately try keeping up with blogging + classes + 3 jobs + friends + family + food + God + reading + washing my hair lololol so please bear with me >.<  I am hoping to stick with posting on wednesdays, but truthfully it might end up being once a week on a random day. sorry peeps! THANKS FOR BEING FANTASTIC YOU'S